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            At approximately one p.m., during the annual alumni fundraising banquet, six dragon longships materialized on the campus.  They were spread out from the Commons to just short of where the reception was being held on the lawn by Norris Theatre.  I confess that when the first Viking chieftain (quite resplendent in shield, sword, gold accouterments and an absolutely fabulous hand-woven, naturally died wool tunic) appeared around the corner of the theatre I thought it was another stunt by the Cinema students. 

Our staff ought to be commended, despite the later deterioration of relations, for the smooth handling of the intrusion.  Lack of common language and clash of cultural expectations made full understanding impossible, but we learned later that the Vikings expected to be presented to the University's king, then feasted with our finest cuisine--and in prodigious quantities. 

Barbarians.  Did they truly expect to be served the lemon pepper chicken and white zinfandel when they arrived unannounced?  So they didn't care for the student cafeteria fare, it remains our position that sending four hundred and thirty-two partially decomposed walking corpses marauding through a thousand dollar per plate reception was a disproportionate response.

We lost over fifty alumni and faculty in the melee with a like number of simple maimings.  Fortunately none of those killed were major contributors.  It could have been considerably worse.  The undead move rather slowly and the live Vikings opted to stand back and observe their handiwork while the zombies slashed and hacked their way through the soirée.  The Hollywood mindset--that no sight is genuinely unusual--surely accounted for several of the deaths.  A considerable number of the alumni took the incident as a live-action show and applauded the first spewing of blood.  This hindered their escape when the true nature of the limb-severing carnage became clear. 

It should be noted that a properly tempered Viking sword--even when wielded by a disemboweled, rotting corpse--can slice through the door post of a speeding Mercedes quite neatly. 

Temporal Physics has received a very stern reprimand regarding their actions.  This sort of activity is not socially acceptable and a clear message must be sent.  Truthfully, this is the sort of thing one would expect from the Cinema students.  But, no, they were simply setting off black powder explosions for a student film near one of the parking structures, not opening temporal rifts to the last millennia.  Though, upon consideration, the blast--and the several hundred car alarms the concussion triggered--did seem to incite the Vikings almost as much as the green jello.

The Entertainment Tonight footage made it look worse than it was, between the howls, the screams and the wail of the car alarms, not to mention the blood splattering the lens when the ET photographer was cut in two.  Mind you, we're not complaining about that; the graphic sensitive-individuals-should-be-advised video drove the bidding on the movie rights wild.  I love this town; we had a screenplay in our hands titled "The Trojan-Viking War" before the last body part was pulled from the fountain.

The University also acquired some nice artifacts, including two fully intact long ships that remained beached on the Commons.  A museum near Oslo has made a handsome offer for one ship that should cover several of the lawsuits.  We shall be keeping one ship as a centerpiece for the new Department of Viking Studies (for which generous donations are already rolling in).  The other four ships and the bulk of their crews apparently returned intact to the North Sea, circa 900 AD.  I hesitate to mention that some doubt was expressed as to the direction of the temporal displacement.  It is entirely possible that a Viking invasion was sent to the future.  (Memo:  a spec fic sequel film deal may be possible out of this scenario, contact Arnold’s agent.)  

The sixty or so Vikings who didn't make it back through the nexus are adapting well.  Their pagan sorcery and habit of carving runes on everything has been a bit disconcerting, but the University remains fully committed to multi-culturalism and ethnic diversity and we expect that ACLU suit filed on the Vikings' behalf to ensure their religious freedom to be dismissed.  The planned human sacrifices to Thor and Odin could make things a bit touchy with public relations and the University's already delicate image (I truly don't know who suggested that the ACLU attorney be the first sacrifice, but we have apologized profusely).  The legal department is working overtime on waivers that will cover the University.  Some consider this a First Amendment issue and a unique test case to determine the rights of those who are not only undocumented aliens, but were born eight hundred years before the Constitution was framed. 

Their citizenship status is also in question.  The Norwegians don't particularly want them.  After all, they're still a tad embarrassed about winning more than their fair share of medals at the Olympics they hosted.  The idea of having to take in living relics of their less restrained past seems to have stressed the Norwegians' legendary stoicism to the breaking point.  The ambassador positively gibbered when it was suggested the Vikings were his problem.  The Icelandics--after providing an interpreter--refused to accept any further calls. 

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            The L.A. police have been admirably restrained in their dealings with the city's newest, uh, activists.  It was tacitly agreed that the Vikings could keep their swords, halberds and axes as long as they remained on the Campus.  Personally, I think the cops are afraid of the Vikings.  Not that I blame them, those berserks can be intimidating when they howl and gnaw on the edge of their shields. 

Over half of Campus Security has quit. 

Coming to terms with the demands of the Vikings, themselves, has been delicate.  Their initial demands for all our gold, land and women have been pared down to more realistic levels.  They generously made a gift of the zombie warriors to the medical school for research purposes.  This, of course, precipitated a fight between the science departments who speculate that the walking dead were a phenomenon created by the temporal nexus, and the historians who insist that the pagan Norse didn't have zombies.  The Vikings matter-of-factly say they cast the correct spells and made the right sacrifices.  They show no interest in expanding on that explanation nor could they be bribed or cajoled into demonstrating the alleged technique. 

When we learned we were expected to give gifts in return we scored, I think, a nice relations coup with the Trojan T-shirts and fanny packs.  The University logos do stand out well in the publicity photos. 

We gave the Vikings Norris Theatre.  They liked the way the smoke from their fires dispersed in the high ceiling.  I suspect that they knew all along we were stalling on the surrender of the entire campus.  They enjoy the films we've been showing.  Terminator and Conan the Barbarian have been their favorites, though they seemed to regard them as comedies.  Some aspects of cultural awareness still haven't been bridged. 

Keeping our guests supplied with beer has been a chore, especially since they don't seem to care (violently) for any of the domestic brands (this from men who will drink sour milk without a flinch!).  I found my own prejudices being challenged when I realized that the typical barbarian Norseman will still go outside to vomit even after his twentieth beer.  Our fraternity members would do well to learn from the Vikings' sense of manners and propriety. 

I'm afraid we had to be firm on one point, and that was the pillaging of the dorms.  The women students were threatening a major civil rights action after the first incident.  The Vikings turned out to be remarkably deferential, once the women made their annoyance clear.  It seems that females held a rather legally significant role in their society.  The Viking-NOW treaty may be considered a historic landmark.  In any case, a new outlet for the Vikings aggressions became a priority. 

The Vikings learned modern English rapidly, not surprising, I suppose, considering how extensively they traveled.  I was pleased to find them quite gracious and hospitable hosts.  Their entertainments after an evening of drinking can become rather unnerving, however, particularly the beheading game.  I have declined to participate more than once.   

The extent of their travels and conquests astounded me (history has never been my strong suit).  They showed visible pride in the terror they inspired in the peoples they raided.  "Save us, oh Lord, from the fury of the Norsemen," had been an English prayer and the Vikings actually giggled over it.  All of them--young men in their twenties and thirties--claimed to be farmers by trade.  Somehow a confusion had developed in their culture over just what, exactly, were appropriate summer employment and recreation options for young men.  If any city is conscious of the consequences of inadequately employed youth, it is this one.

Impatience over the University's failure to come up with what they considered adequate tribute was reaching a dangerous point.  When the furs we had purchased (at bargain prices, no less) were spray painted by the animal rights activists, it seemed that a new round of mayhem and decapitations was in the works.  But, thank Odin!, that was about the time the product endorsements started rolling in.  There is nothing like the sight of a muscle-bound, Norse berserk stomping the life out of a basketball player to sell athletic shoes, it seems.  Not to mention the "So you've raped and pillaged your way across half of Europe, where are you going now" ads.  Gold, pure gold.  The University-licensed line of Viking Wear is selling splendidly.  We are considering franchising outlets.

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            The Athletic Department was the genuine savior of the situation.  Not only did they make their facilities available to the Vikings (who love the sauna), but they recruited half the young men for the football team.  If only they can be convinced not to actually kill the members of the opposing team, I think we'll be unbeatable.  The networks are already going nuts over the TV rights to the first combined Trojan-Viking game. 

(Hmmmm. . . memo to sue that Minnesota pro team over use of the name "Viking."  These are people after all, with a proud ethnic heritage, they're not mascots, damnit!)

             After the initial chaos, the situation has worked out magnificently for the University.  It has recently come to my attention that one of the temporal physics students has proposed for his senior project creating a nexus to Genghis Khan's Mongol hordes.  I understand they're excellent polo players--though lopping the heads off the opposing team could be disconcerting.  (Memo to discretely query as to whether Harvard would consider an exhibition match to the death.)    

THE END

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